Peaceful President?

I spent ages yesterday watching youtubes of the vice-presidential election, and the spoof version thereof. I also watched the many little snippets of Sarah Palin interviews, and of all the crazy statements she seemed to make. The main ones in my opinion were

• When asked about Georgia and Ukraines admittance to NATO, if she thought the US would go to war with Russia should they invade either of these countries(as members of NATO), she answered "I guess so"
• Asked about withdrawal of Troops from Iraq, she spoke of how they would be re-deployed to Afghanistan to hunt down extremists
• asked about breaching Pakistani borders without their consent in the pursuit of Terrorists, she said she believed they would do whatever was necessary to hunt down these evil Terrorists..

These are just 3 examples. They are all foreign policy/ National Security Issues. But they were the three things that came to mind last night as I watched the Presidential debate. All day I had in my mind how important it was that the American people vote for Obama. That Palin and McCain were evil war mongerers and Bullies, and would be dangerous people to have in the White house.
Then I watched the Presidential Debate from Tennessee.

I heard Obama talking about a lot of issues, but the ones that struck me were

• his insistence that Georgia and Ukraine should be admitted to NATO regardless of consequences for US/Russian relations
  
• he talked about a structured withdrawal from Iraq, but then a re-deployment to Afghanistan, to hunt down Osama BinLaden.
• He said when asked, that The US should do whatever is necessary to attack terrorists operating in Pakistan, with or wothout Pakistani government cooperation.
• He said he would hunt down and kill Osama Bin Laden. He talked of how these poeple were plotting right now to kill Americans. He talked the old Fear talk, and I lost faith there and then..

Maybe you could argue its none of my business who runs another country. But up till this debate last night I thought we had a real possibility for change, a real possibility for a new era in American forign policy, but I was wrong. Obama is as belligerent as Palin or McCain, he just has a more polished way of saying things. So who they vote for now, I dont care. It doesnt matter to me who gets the tax breaks in the US, or who gets the best medicare deal, its their Foreign policies that affect us the most, and it seems to me that it will continue as before, regardless of who is in the Oval office.

Wider thinking..

It could be argued that I am no expert on the Demographics of the United states.
But surely Sarah Palin is limiting the scope of of her appeal by singling out moms who play soccer, and men with well-toned abdominal muscles? shouldnt she broaden her field of vision?

A crook of Wall street.

Do you remember that famous tongue in cheek statement made by every mobster in every mob film that ever came out of HollyWood? Just at the End when they had been arrested, after ninty minutes of watching them murder, maim and maraud you could hear them say to the arresting officers:

"Why dont you go down to Wall Street and arrest some real Crooks"

and of course you'd laugh at their ironical brazenness. The very idea that these street thugs who had no respect for law and order could call in to question people who worked hard and within the confines of the law, was laughable.

But , as we all know, Hollywood is there to educate as well as to entertain. Film makers dont just want to keep you amused for 90 minutes, they want to convey a message. They are as you are well aware, Artists. The Guardian Film reviewers who studied english at Oxford, will talk about juxtapoistion, and correlations and even subtle ironies. But of course what we learned this week is this:

"Wall street is full of crooks"

I think what the film makers were trying to say when Their cheeky mobster tells the cops to go arrest some real criminals down Wall Street was:

"Wall Street is full of Crooks"

Older viewers may have gotten this already, but some of the younger ones like myself, had to experience the recent accounting scandals, and more recently the fraud carried out by the big banks in America, before we realised these mobsters were not being ironic.

I say fraud, because that is exactly what has been carried out by the likes of Lehman Brothers. But I just cant decide who they were defrauding:

• Was it the Ninja (no income no job or assets) customers who they sold mortgages to on properties in some cases worth less than the mortgage?
• Was it the US government, who you would presume by definition were ensuring they were carrying on business responsibly?
• Was it their employess who worked long hours, and were loyal to a company who spat them out like sour grapes. (I'm not talking about the high ranking decision makers here)
• Was it themselves (I am talking about the high ranking decision makers here)

The important question now is, Who will pay for this awful mess? This mess which was created by a criminal enterprise. I am not getting all conspiricy theorist here, or going lefty nuts. This was a crime carried out by criminals. It was a fraud. It is illegal to loan money to somebody who cannot pay it back. They did this on a huge scale. They made huge short term profits on the back of the sale of all these "Products". They ( the high ranking decision makers at Lehman) paid themselves exorberant bonuses and got very rich, on paper at least. What happened next and how the bank came to collapse, none of the egg-head economists in the papers or on tv can explain. They will talk of how these "Products" were repackaged and sold on the "International Markets" as securities or some other Bollocks. But what I dont understand is, if they were sold on to somebody else, then Hows come theys gone bust?

I am beginning to think that people who I took to be experts, are just about as expert as me, and dont really know what the fuck happened this bank? But the long and short of it was, that they lent money to poor people so it bolstered their loan book, and their share price rose as did the many bonuses of the the top brass. But when the poor people couldnt make the payments, and this was the case it seems in an awful lot of cases, it all went to Fuck, as Shakespear might have said.

So back to the question. Who will pay? Well who is already paying? Yes you guessed it, Joe Public. The US goverment is rowing in with 700 billion dollars to stop the US financial sytem collapsing. (it doesnt matter that I dont understand what the 700 billion is for, i'll just make a sweeping statement, and as I am now an economics commentator you'll take my word for it)
The British government had to bail out Northern Rock, and now even Biffo and the boys are increasing their deposit guarantee from 20k to 100k. We dont want a run now do we??
And who will pay for all of this shit in the from of taxes, higher interst rates etc. etc. (I told you I'm a commentator now) Yes, you and me. Joe and Josephine.

This has gone on far too long - this post I mean, so I will sum up. If I go and defraud a little old lady out of eighty grand by selling her a dodgy financial package and get caught, I can go to jail.
And quite rightly. So why not this guerilla of Wall street Fellow. Why is he not being hunted down like Al capone. Is there really 2 sets of rules for 2 sets of people?

It turns out The mobsters were right, Wall street is where real crooks are, but just another strain, no better or no worse.

The Rock stars are all dead!

"You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby,

I don't wanna live for ever,"

That's From "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead. That's what rock songs used to sound like. I have been listening to this song in the car as part of a compilation of old songs I made up. And it has set me to thinking...

Are todays pop/rock stars really fulfilling their obligations?

Now Motorhead were a bit before my time, and I am not a fan of them necessarrily, but Lemmy, the Jack Daniels for breakfast and day-long amphetamine guzzler it seems epitomizes what rock stars used to be, what they used to do For us. They created a vicarious wild-side, for us.

Think The Stones, Iggy Pop, ACDC, (you could probably include the Dubliners here) etc. etc.

Not only did these people produce great songs/music, but they played with energy, intensity and more importantly with Passion. Kurt cobain tried to do this, but he couldnt handle it when he got there. He didnt have star quality, notwithstanding his musical talents.

Am I missing something with today's music? Or, is it just missing me or not relevant to me? who are the great rockstars of the 21st century?

Bono?
Chris Martin?
Tom Yorke?
Michael Stype?

These guys all produce music that I like to listen to now.

But I don't envy them. I dont have a dirty side to me wishing I could be them.

"You know I'm born to lose, and gambling's for fools,
But that's the way I like it baby,
I don't wanna live for ever,"

This is not a sensible way to think.
You should want to:

Work harder, achieve more, marry, have kids, pay the mortgage, play golf, holiday in France, pay your taxes, play by the rules.

The question I'm posing is, what do we want from music today?
If we want nice music for the background while we enjoy dinner parties with vacuous middle class friends, then I suppose coldplay will suffice.
But if we want to assuage our Darker sides, the side that miss-behaves and Lusts and doesnt give a fuck, then we need to crank it to eleven and listen to real music that doesnt want us to buy organic, or save the fucking planet, or give a shit about third world debt. music is our time. Dont invade it, it's the time when we are really alive, at least until we have to collect the kids from creche, or put the bins out or whatever.... Nevermind!

The Third Policeman's Ball

I'm thinking of organizing a ball.
It will be called "The third Policemans' Ball".
Of course there was no first or second event, we shall skip straight to the third..
Now everyone should of course arrive by bicycle,
the ownership of which they may not have,
but one thing should be certain, it should be lamp-less.
Shiny buttons, Red faces, redder moustaches...
On every table a bucket of strawberry jam..
And of course after a long nights drinking and utter absurdity,
you would find yourself not leaving, but arriving again on your illicit cylce,
And again the night would start, but never end...

blankety blank

I do all my best blogging off line.
Its a shame really cause nobody will ever get to see them.
When I am driving the car, working behind the bar, walking in the park,
sitting on the toilet,

in fact when I am doing anything, bar sitting in front of the PC,

I can come up with great stuff.

But sit me in front of the PC and my mind goes blanker than a politicians at a tribunal.

Head scarf Ban, now!

How is it that when Driving in Ireland you are not allowed to;

Drink
Use a mobile phone
Suffer from blindness..

But you are allowed to drive while wearing a religious headscarf that may cause you to suddenly change lanes, without seeing whether or not there is somebody already in your intended lane.

How about a liberalism-defying 'headscarf while driving ban'?

Am I being Racist? Am I inciting people to dislike people because of their religious beliefs?
Or do I just want to arrive safely at my intended destination?

I'll let you decide..

SAm crea - Romantic Notions.....

I have just been reading twenty majors' Blog about carefree summers of youth.
twenty Major
It brought me back to being a young lad too, where summer holidays meant shorts and t-shirt, dusk till dawn.

Friends were always close by, and play dates weren't organized, they were spontaneous and daily.
You had your haunts, and you had your friends, and little else. There was no money, no fancy bikes or gadgets. There were bikes though, when your brother grew out of his old one. Fancy day trips were a rarity, and nobody was afraid.

Sure you were warned not to talk to strangers, but you were allowed out to play and so were your pals. There were no bouncy castles or professional entertainment at birthday partys. Just lots of kids and sweets, and that was all you needed to have a great day.

A day trip to the beach meant preparing sandwiches, not stopping off at spar, and certainly not going to Mc Donalds.

I am not trying to sound too romantic , we are better off now in a lot of ways than we were then (I'm talking about being a kid in the 80's). People have more comforts, better jobs and more money. But I am afraid that we are losing site of the most precious commodity of all, Time.
We are spending more time going to work, and getting there, more time doing all these other activities and forgetting about the simple things.

We need to just sit on the front wall, with our kids playing in the garden, and just shoot the breeze.
No barbeques or gazeebos, just your family and your neighbours next door doing the same, and all the kids mingling like they used to. No texts about what time they will be collected,

just kids playing,

And adults sitting, and chatting, and enjoying the weather.

Greatest Sitcom??

So what is the greatest Sitcom?

I have been watching sitcoms for as long as I can remember. The earliest I can remember is different strokes and the Cosby show. I liked Cheers when I was way too young to like it. I watched Seinfeld after it finished airing, bought all the episodes and declared it the greatest ever. Then came curb, Pretty Good. Pre-tty, Pre-tty, pre-tty Good. What is the greatest sitcom? Fill me in.. I have seen them all...

The Barman has spoken.

I love to read Manuel's blog about being a waiter,

Manuel's Blog

as I work in a similar position myself, namely as a barman.. I have always threatened to write a bit about it, so here are my top ten points, as to how you can be a better bar customer...



1. Don't wave, click your fingers, say excuse me etc. etc. Wait your turn and you'll be served.
2. Coffee is served in coffee shops, restaurants and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
3. Never approach a Barman with a food menu in your hand, as he is sure to find something else to do in the opposite direction.
4. If your pint is bad, tell me; If the Band are shit, tell them!
5. NO! We cant show the 'Big Brother'/'Britain's Got Talent' finals.
Tvs are for sports and News.
6. The Barman doesn't actually want to hear about your day, but he'll listen, for a limited time, don't outstay your welcome.
7.The barman doesn't give a flying-fiddlers-fuck how much 2 bottles of bud and 2 Bacardi Breezers cost on whatever flea-pit Spanish island from which you just returned.
8. If the Barman says you have enough, forget about it! Any amount of convincing about how you are grand, and that your only after coming out will be utterly futile. No Barman has ever gone back on a decision to refuse. Ever!
9. Don't ever tell a barman to cheer up, smile, look like he is enjoying himself! He will think you are an utter prick and ignore you later when it's busy and are trying to order your Corona with Lime.
10. The Barman knows that Corona comes with a slice of lime in the neck, and that pint bottles of Bulmers come with a pint of ice, so don't over-elaborate your order, we know, it's been ordered before.

If this list (just off the top of my head) makes me seem like an odious prick, then it has been more accurate than I thought. If it doesn't then I need to work on it. I may do a new list some other time after more thought.

Profit Restraint Now! - sam crea

Watching the one o ' clock news, I see some bitch from the small firms association saying we should shave a euro off the minimum wage. She said ours is second highest in EU, second only to Luxembourgh. She also pointed out that it is double that of our friends in the United States.

So according to this lady, we should be striving to be more like the US, and a lot less like Luxembourg.

Small firms are in trouble, they may not make as much profit in the downturn, so why not cut the wages of the poorest people in the country. Why not take an extra forty quid a week off some lad who is giving it a go, and working a shitty job to pay his way. Why not make it more economical for him to sit on his arse and collect the dole.

You could argue that she represents an interest group and their interests are her primary concern.
I just wish that this organization could get a representative, with slightly more polished PR,
the last fellow they had was a complete fucker as well. How about some patronizing babble about, rethinking, or restructuring pay at least. Dont just tell us your cutting it by a euro and fuck you!!
Are all small firm owners wankers? Are these people just indicative of all the members?

How about some profit restraint?
Why is it always pay restraint?

How about some respect for the people that keep your fucking companies alive and kicking?

Jesus she was some bitch,

She really got my blood boiling..

SAm Crea

Hitler!

Are there any Hitlers out there? I mean people with the surname hitler. Have all the hitlers that ever existed become extinct? I'd imagine it could be a bit of a mood killer on a second date..

"So whats your surname?"

"ah, em well, I meant to change it, but actually.."

I dont think there would be a third date.

When you google hitler, you get a million or so sites about the German Nazi leader, and all that he did. However there are no Hitler hotels, no Hitler autopart dealers, There are no Hitler and Hitler Solicitors or Financial advisors. It seems they have all gone, they are extinct.

Where have all the Hitlers gone...

Tesco Marketing Genuis!

So there I was, scanning through a Glossy advertisement magazine which had been inserted in my paper by the Boffins over at Tesco.
They had a most interesting offer;
Free with every ipod purchased : 2 free Cd's.
I read it twice to make sure I wasnt mistaken, and yes they had a picture of the 2 CD's which you would receive,
on purchasing this electronic music file player,
Just in case you werent sure what a great deal you were getting.

So I was wondering what great Deals I could expect from everybody's favourite Retailer in the future.

Free ream of paper with every Blackberry Purchased?

Free push-bike with every motor cycle purchased here!

Free 'Set of Cans and lenght of string' with every mobile telephone purchased?

I hear next month they will be offering a Free gramophone player with every ipod sold, but thats only after they run out of CD's..

Maybe I could get a job over at Tesco Marketing..

Monkees to the rescue

This is a reply to PP's blog about his trip to the ZOO.
I was telling him about a swan getting caught in some netting,
and how the Monkees (not sure which type they were) were very concerned
and tried to help them.
Its from a few years ago, and the shot isnt great but you get the picture...

SAm C

Energy Conservation

The Whole world is gone energy conservation mad.
We have alarmist lefties on every medium telling us that we are all going to destroy the planet....

Blah!

Well here is my contribution to Energy conservation..

1. I am only going to buy pre-sliced cheese from now on..
2. I am going to stop crossing out the solutions as I solve them in crosswords
3. I am not going to re-button my fly after the toilet, unless I am leaving the house.

Its only 3 simple steps, but I feel its a step in the right direction,
The direction of a safer, greener Planet!

Thanks for listening.

SAm - Conservationst

Popstars and their Charity singles

Have you ever heard of Pop Stars donating the proceeds of a single or concert to Charity?

Of course you have, it happens very year, especially at Christmas.

But do they really donate all the proceeds of these singles, and who exactly is checking up on this?

Also, if Said popstar earns 10,000 Euro from a single and donates exaclty that amount to a registered charity, then he/she may claim tax relief (in Ireland) of approximately 4,100 Euro. That is of course if they have paid sufficient tax in the current year at the higher rate...

So when a popstar says he/she is donating all the proceeds of a single to charity, is the tax rebait also considered a proceed??

Of course They dont like to talk about it mate!!

Lets make sure all this money (including the taxpayers) is going to the worthy causes///

SAm Crea

My three favourites (Thank you nick hornby)

my three, all-time favourite sitcom characters.

1 Homer simpson (The Simpsons)
2 Norm Peterson (cheers)
3 George Costanza (Seinfeld)

Is there a common link here I wonder,
all fat,
all self centered,
all blissfully unaware of the needs of others,
unthinking of other human beings in their quest to attain the next beer/ doughnut / clean public toilet.

Well I'm not fat...

Quick Question

Now that the smoking Ban is well and truly established and smoking in most pubs is now a distant memory, I've been wondering about a certain group of people. Namely "Social Smokers". ie People who only smoke when they are on the piss. Now that having a smoke in a pub involves abandoning the company your in, to go stand in a dirty alley beside the pub to puff on a cigarette, surely the term is going to have to be "Re-phrased". How will social smokers now be referred to?? (and how could I not end that question with a preposition??)

Beer Snobbery

People who is intelligent like,
They does like to sneer the people like,
For drinking the shitty beer like,
Cause it aint all hoppy and natural and shit - like,
Cause it aint got a German name like,
Erdinger and shit,
But Erdinger aint no shit like,
If you think so, then on yer bike..
Cause we is so cleverer than you,
Cause you is a heineken drinker
it dont make you no tinker!!!!

William Shakepear...

nearly thirty and newly single.

So I'm going out on the Piss tonight with some of the boys, and decided to head down to my local Shopping center to get some new threads. My favourite jeans are beginning to rip under the crotch, and do need to be replaced. I walk into what claimed to be a diesel store, and looked around the jeans section...

"excuse me, sexy little shop assisstant, but can you point me in the direction of the mens jeans, please?"

"yes, they are here and here.."

She waves me in the direction of some very oddly shaped and flouncy looking jeans, that I had taken for the ladies section...

"OK thank you"

And I quickly exited the shop, took the escalator, and left the Center,

For Ever...

The Second hand is the third hand really..

Hello folks, I have started to list a few of the blogs that I keep an eye on on the right hand side.
If you own one of these blogs and dont want me to list it then leave a message, cause I never check that Gmail account.

The Fixer

Jack dug his hand deep in his short summer jacket, leaned into the rain and walked quickly to the pub. He dodged women with shopping bags and buggies, and men on their way to important places with suits and briefcase style bags. They didn’t actually seem to have briefcases any more, but every body had a bag of some description.

The rain came from every direction, as did the wind. His light shoes were soaked through already, but he'd just a little further to go. All the time the flashes from last night went through his head. He would soon not have to worry about them. He walked into the dip and pushed the inner door.

The sounds of the street outside disappeared, and the warmth hit him. It was just after ten in the morning but there were already four or five groups of men huddled around tables, with another dozen along the bar. Conversations were muted at the moment. It would take an hour or so.

“Alright Jackie”

“howeya mick, give us a pint will ye!”

The Barman selected a pint glass and gave it a quick check for smudges before snapping down the handle on the Guinness Tap. The hiss was reassuring. He placed the pint glass up on the counter between the taps and Jack. He would have to wait a little longer. Swirling clouds of creamy coloured gas, arranged themselves into ever darkening cascades that swam to the bottom of the glass, disappearing into a black oblivion. The hurried and excited gas cascades became more gentle as the black oblivion misted up the glass till it rested completely still beneath the creamy head. The Barman then took the pint, filled it to the top and placed it in front of Jack. He paid him and took the pint to a table opposite the bar.

He laid the pint down and walked to the front door for a cigarette. He smoked it quickly sheltering almost fully from the weather in the alcove. When he was finished he flicked the cigarette into the street and walked back inside.

He sat down picking up the pint as he did so, and pulled hard on it. It was cold, and the cream cooled his upper lip. The cool stout quenching a wild thirst, and soon other fires. He closed his eyes as he drank, afraid to breathe even. This first drink today, the fixer as he liked to call it, would be the best. No other drink today would be this good, he had to savour the intimacy, between his soul and this black beast that gripped him every day. He took three more drinks consecutively. He relaxed. There were 6 messages unread on his mobile. He had a feeling who they were from, and maybe after another pint he would read them.

Getting the Decorators in

I will soon be having the decorators in, and this Bland nondescript Blog, will come alive!
There will be fabulous fonts, Beautiful Borders, groovy graphics and other alliterative wonders!

I promise there will be things moving about (maybe a bit of pink for the gays and joethemamma) links to movies on youtube... Nice little clicky things that bring you to other interesting sites...

And then....

The piste de resistance...

There will be interesting posts...

I'm not sure how I will manage this, maybe a bit of copying and pasting from other blogs, or I might hire some funny writer...

I may have to self deprecate a bit more, to make up for the lack of content, and hope I get a sympathtic laugh..

anyways stay tuned.


SAm

teh, tehn, adn

Can anybody help me??

every time i type the, I get teh

then is tehn,

and is adn

Can anybody help???

Its driving me nuts....

FREE SPEECH! FREE COMMENTARY!

I love to comment on other peoples blogs. I like giving opinions and making what I consider to be witty remarks from time to time. Of course the blogger and other viewers have every right to ignore my comment, or deride or disagree or whatever. Often sometimes I make comments on the spur of the moment that I disagree with later... But I do try not to offend, or bully or whatever may be deemed to be against the run of things...
And of course I understand that lots of people do break the rules, are offensive and do spam blogs.

However in this time of instant gratification and nano-second technology, do we really need 9 mins to think about our message and then an indefinite wait while our comment is under "moderation"
I mean why not give out your home address and we can send in our comments on a post card?

And as for the box with the little wavey writing... Please type what you see in the box.... Please find somebody else to comment on your blog!!

Bloggers are great, but sometimes its the commentry that really makes it... lets remove the barriers, Let the comments run free!!!

The crime its OK to like

I Heard about two minutes of an interview between Gerry Ryan and some scottish fraudster last night. It was a replay of the mornings show. It made me laugh, but not in a good way. Ryan was chatting and joshing, like he might with an old school chum, and generally licking the arse of this fellow. He thought this criminal was great. He stole money from banks, I think I couldnt listen to too much of it, and then took expensive holidays, flights and went on spending sprees in general. He was a "Catch Me if You Can" type of character. And all the while we were lead to believe by Ryans joshing and laughing that this guy was great. It is after all OK in the views of well off Irish people, that if we are sticking it to faceless financial institutions that it is some how OK, a bit of a lark,
Sure they can afford it, and they rip people Off all the time...

Well just so you Know Mr Ryan, I am pretty Sure that there are lots of poor young men in all the suburbs of Dublin, and from the inner city areas who believe that fat rich radio presenters are fair game too. That they can afford to be ripped off, and sure they probably ripped people off themselves...

If we are going to start thinking that fraud and crime is OK, then it has to be all OK, not just whatever suits your mood for the day.

It reminded me of when I was loaned a Book By Howard Marks back when I was in College (it was written , not loaned by Howard Marks). I read about 3 chapters before I swiftly returned it to its owner. Here was a criminal (purporting to be some robin hood figure) telling us how clever he was, and of all the many ways that he was cleverer than everybody else. No tongue in cheek, no cleverly disguised admission of how he was so clever, but barefaced outright declaration that he was the cleverest and coolest of us all. But what I drew from reading those opening chapters was that he was a drug smuggler, and a smug wanker and nothing more. And I watched all the dope kids who never read any other books reading this, and saying how great it is.

Now I am not saying I am anti drugs, or even anti Dope smuggling, I smoked and I inhaled and I choose not to anymore. I dont care if people smoke, or what they smoke but why do we have to buy into this cool crime. Crime that it s OK to joke about. Its like the drunken student stealing a Traffic cone that might seem like mad crack, and look at me with a cone on my head. I am breaking the law but, its nothing I would ever get sent to jail for, and look I am still much better than those guys in the tracksuits and nikes outside the childrens court. They are real criminals, they even look like criminals...

Charity Pop Stars

I heard part (most of) an interview between Ryan Tubridy and Annie Lennox last week on Radio 1. I think none of us could be in any doubt about the talents of Ms Lennox and her Contribution to the Music World over the past decade or two.

But like many popstars, Ms Lennox is now lending the weight of her public profile to the solving of the worlds problems. Her main target it seems is the aids epidemic of Africa, with particlular emphasis on South Africa.

So we got to hear for twenty minutes or so, about these terrible situations, how we have too much, and these people have so little, blah, blah fucking blah!

Blah.

Fucking Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!


Fuck off pop stars.

Just fuck off.

We dont all have Too Much

We are not all millionaires.

Fuck Off!

I am sorry that you would love to tour more, but find it too exausting!

Boo, fucking hoo!

We dont all have too much, no

Lots of us are exausted daily making our livings, and still dont have too much.

I really wish you popstars would find some other ways to fill you endless days.

When was the last time Annie lennox sat in shitty traffic, or flew coach, or worried about a bill, or any of the other things that regular people worry about. Do charity work if you want, but please give us a break, and spare us the lectures..

SAm

Book search

Walking towards the Bookshop, my hands began to get a little sweaty. I hadnt been out among the people for some time now and with a little luck I would be able to find the Book without talking to any of them.

Best Sellers, New Releases, Irish Fiction, Cookery,
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Shot down every time.
I knew the cover.
I knew what I was looking for.
It had to be here.
I had to avoid the people. I circled around and had another sweep , of what I thought were, all the relevant categories.

No sign of it. I began to worry. Was this another one of my things. Was this real. Was I really supposed to be looking for this book. It was real. Hell even Monkey Balls had read it, and he assured us it was funny. OK this took too much effort, I wasnt leaving empty handed. I accosted one of the gangly young attendants.

Excuse me, I'm er, Im looking for a book now see, ah, the authors name is Twenty Major. Its an internet handle type...

Thats a strange name,

huh! Yeah. But can you search..

Hang on.. Enters Major Twenty in the author search bar. One answer returns John Major. Tries major 20. same result. tries major. same result. I try to suggest that major isnt a last name that its all one title. he types major 20. major twenty . major

0. 0. 0.

If its not here, then its not in any of easons warehouses, you crazy looking man....
hey whats wrong with your hands. the sweat is drippping off them...

But monkey balls.. he said easons Im sure of it. I mean Monkey is real isnt he.. this is all real..

OK thanks never mind. If anybody asks I was just fooling around. OK.

I mean a book written by a pack of cigarettes, WHAT, have you been smoking..

SAmbo Heaven

LOw CAlorie VErsion

For the ultimate SAmbo, you will need,

2 slices of toasted white sliced bread, preferrably JMOB. The Dubs out there will invariably opt for Brennans Shiny Yellow wrapper, but the choice of bread is a personal one, and not too important.

The first layer should be your Irish red cheddar cheese. some good brands are Charleville, Mitchelstown or Kilmeadon. Onto the cheese I like to drop a few blobs of country Relish. Now onto this You drop two strips of recently fried (preferrably hot) Bacon, with the fat trimmed - This is the Low Cal version. Atop your now slightly melted cheese and Bacon you should now place two pieces of fried Clonakilty(my preference again) Black pudding. The two slices should be slightly squashed flat on a plate to better fit your SAmbo.

Next a healthy squeeze of heinz Tomato Ketchup.

The SAmbo should be served immediatley, with hot tea.

A side serving of King, Cheese and onion Crisps is optional.

This SAmbo should only be eaten as part of a balanced, Calorie controlled Diet.

SAm

Good Luck Glen

Even though I know he annoyed me in the past, I hope The guy wins the oscar. I read an article in the sunday business post about him yesterday, which shed some new light on him. He is still King of the Crustys though...

Good Luck Glen

Sam

crosaire

to solve this you must turn part of these repetitive prayers, know why? with our busses and trains and how they are so organised.....

Sorry for this amateurish attempt, but I am sure that any Crossite will easily have gotten it...

Anyways, I decided that after years of Simplex it was time for The Big One.. Crosaire. So for the past month I have tried to master this puzzle that bubbles brains all over Ireland daily in The Irish Times.

There is only one way to do this, and that is to have a go, keep the paper, and fill in the answers the next day. Its like homework all over again.

The most boring thing that anyone you mention Crosaire to, can say is, you have to get into his thinking, (including people who dont do the puzzle surprisingly) , but it is sort of true.

He has a couple of different ways of providing the answer, and you have to just learn the patterns. But you do have to have a good vocab as well, and sometimes the words which he gives you are rarely used terms that you never heard of, so you have to be sharp. You do also have to have a good ability to think laterally, ie not logically.

Speaking of ie, there are a number of other word construct clues he gives

About this RE
that is IE
I see IC

This is just a couple there are more, and more confusingly about this is often used to tell you to break one word and wrap it round another to create a bigger word...

It goes on and on

North and South are used to suggest N and S

1 often suggests i,

bad back means Dab in other words reversed..

And then he is just downright cryptic some times with no clues as to the word construction.

It can be rewarding though if you start to get the hang of it, but it takes work..

I would say try it today, but it takes longer than that..

Enjoy you will though

SAm

10 good places to get a Pint in Dublin

These are 10 places I can say I have enjoyed pints,
I mean Guinness now obviously..
I am not saying they are the best but..

They are the kind of place where you can immerse yourself for an extended afternoon with out having to worry about whether there is any toilet roll in the fridge the next day...

Though as an aside for you lager swilling swine, if the guinness is good, the quality of all beers should be good..

This is in no particular order

Kehoes, South Anne St
Grogans (Castle Inn) aaahhh, em.. South King St??? -near Break for the border..
Hogans, Dame St . Used to be good though havent been in for a while.
Mc Daids, opposite street to Kehoes
O Donoghues, Baggot street (although the remodelled thing mote to look like this pub- even though its unrelated- aint bad)
Slatterys, Rathmines.
The Stags Head, Off Georges St
The Oak, Dame St.
Farringtons, Temple Bar
leeson Lounge, Leeson St

Why not try some of them out, or better still take 10 days off work, and try them all. We all know that you can not judge any pub properly unless we have gotten completely and purley drunk on their product, and their product alone.

Try them today

SAm

Thank God for - Seinfeld

Or Sine-Field as Pat Kenny likes to call him...

I heard Ardal O Hanlon say in an interview once that he would love to have his own chatshow so he could interview Neil Armstrong for half an hour and not mention the moon once. Pat Kenny tried the same trick with Jerry Seinfeld on last years Toyshow, but I dont think anybody else got it. (I was in on it Pat)

anyways, having been a bit of a late developer, I came late to Seinfeld. I never saw it when it originally aired, mainly I suppose because RTE never showed it. This was probably for political and religious views expressed in the shows(there is a pro-abortion view expressed in at least a couple of episodes) although maybe I am wrong and the biggest show in the US just wasnt to the taste of Irish audiences.

Well thank God for the DVD box-set. We can now choose to watch what we want to watch. And watch I have, all 9 Series, and here are my favourite episodes

The Jacket
The Note
The Parking garage
The Red Dot
The Contest
The Outing
The non-fat yogurt
The soup Nazi
The merv Griffin Show


For a full episode listing


Episodes


I cant pinpoint my favourite but its a toss up between the soup nazi and the outing, or maybe the red dot. In my humble opinion series 3 was the absolute best.

In the days of Reality television, CSI and all the other shit on TV I say,

Thank god for the DVD boxset, Thank God for Seinfeld.

SAm

Twenty Major and the Race Question

I am writing this piece in response to a recent post, and the subsequent responses to that post by the well known Blogger Twenty Major. You can view the post below:

Twenty's Post

In this Post TM describes a person who works in his local shop who he has taken a dislike to. The ins and outs of their dealings are largely irrelevant here, except for his describing The said shopkeeper as:

" He’s a rather swarthy looking individual ..."

Whether or not TM was aware of the exact definition of the word 'swarthy' are unclear to me. If he had used the word in error, and meant to use another word say sleazy, or smarmy or whatever, then there would be no issue.

However Swarthy is defined as being of a Dark complexion, dark skinned. I cannot understand how it could be construed as anything else, it cannot be used to describe any trait or way of acting, it describes skin complexion, full stop.

OK so then the comments on the Page about the post turn a bit nasty and start to discuss the N word, which is used as a derogatory manner to describe black skinned people. It should be noted at this point that, the Twenty Major Blog is not a place for the faint hearted, commenters regularly use vulgar language, and the blog itself contains gratuitious bad language sex jokes etc.
How ever I was amazed to hear Twenty Major in the comments himself berating, and even threatening to ban from the site a commenter who was using the N word.

My point in all this is that TM had referred to somebody who he doesnt like(the swarthy shop keeper), and he has quite categorically told us that he is dark skinned. So was he not being racist himself? As it happens I dont think so. I have only been reading his posts for six months or so, and find it to be funny and entertaining, often the most entertaining parts coming in the commentary. He talks of imaginary(certainly hyperbolic) friends and situations and things that get on his nerve etc. and every so often gives us nice little writings with twists in the tale(often violent but always funny) I hope he just slipped up and used the wrong word, and then forgot to tell us,

I wanted to comment but I missed the thread, and then wanted to post in todays blog, but I think my comment might be too long, so I will mail him the link and he can comment or not

"its all the fucking same to me"

Just to very importantly point out, I am not a sandle wearing, flower in the hair love and peace type, or anything like it. I am probably as racist as the next fellow(its in our nature to protect our own tribes) but civilisation asks things of us, and to belong to civilisation we must behave in certain ways, and the most important ways we do that is by treating each other with respect. I had always gotten the impression that TM was a major advocate of Civilisation(amid all the coarse language and smut) and so I hope that there was no double standard here. I Fully agree that the "N" word is wholly unacceptable, but so in my opinion is describing a swarthy person who you dont like(be he real or imagined)

Thanks for *Reading


SAm Crea

* I dont mean the place outside London, not that there's anything wrong with reading, or anybody from there, its just that I was thanking you for Reading(verb) this article.

Valentines For Newbes.....

OK Folks,

Christmas is a distant memory, new Years is a suppressed one and Its almost Valentines day. Those of you with Lovers will have to come up with some way to be romantic, those of you without Lovers will have to make jokes about romance and lovers, and then go out on a wild drinking session and try to snag a lover without any Romance. Then there are those who have people who were their lovers, and romantic partners, but the sheen is long gone from the union.

Valentines will be just another Festivity that you wish would just go away and stop bothering you. Another pressure to show Romance. But what the sellers of cards, and chocolates and flowers fail to advertise is the fact that Romance is for the young, the lustful and the Foolish.. It doesnt work well on older models, its unnecessary, The job is done - The Fish has been landed.

And Ladies, Girls if you have a man for a considerable period of time, and you are hoping that he might break the habit of the last few years and get romantic this Year, well dont.

Because chances are, if he does, it will have nothing to do with you. Romance only happens at the start of the cycle.

Sam

Tommy Tiernan - OK Baby

One of the oddities of 21st century Ireland, is that an impulse purchase of a DVD at 2am in your local supermarket, is no longer a dream - its a reality. And the other night between fondling mangoes and stroking bananas I came across the DVD rack at tesco, where I spotted the latest Offering from Irelands favourite Comedian. I tossed it merrily in my basket..

I hastened to the self-service check-out, where as usual my haste was stunted by the frustration of trying to scan my own goods. As I swung a packet of rich tea biscuits with my left, and a cadburys cream egg with my right I failed to register any satisfying "BLEEP". I repeated my swing left and right each time varying the angle and the depth of the swings, no doubt akin from afar to some lunatic trying to conduct an imaginary orchestra! Head down, Left-right, Left-right......
"BLEEP"
Thank God...
Just twenty more items....

About an hour later I left and headed for home.

A large pot of tea was brewed, and the newly purchased rich-tea biscuits were opened for this special occassion. The Selophane wrapper was removed and the disc inserted to the player. Headphones on, there could be no volume control here, we needed to hear the jokes, the laughter - The Master!

Sit Back and enjoy,

Or not.....

It seems this paticular show was filmed during a Dublin comedy festival last june. The fact that this was six-months before his latest live-show Bovinity may have been the reason for this poor showing.

There were flashes of the Tommy of Old, the Tommy we all know and love, Jokes about being your average Irish Bloke, jokes about living in ireland. He made me laugh out loud a couple of times, but only a couple of times.

There was some sex-jokes that were unnecessarily over the top, and at least one about different people laid out on beds... An irish woman with a person with a bad polish accent, and even some bizzarre piece about the Irish President, Mary Mc Alleese.

It seemed that Tommy thought maybe he had to be controversial. I am not sure. I mean Controversial, just doesnt work any more. Reality TV shows have lowered the effectiveness of controversy to nil or below. It can also be argued that at a live comedy show there is a unique relationship between comic and audience and what may seem risque afterward was merely a bit of in-the-spirit-of-the-moment ad-libbing. This may be the case, but it should not then be packaged and foisted upon an unsuspecting midnight shopper!

I did enjoy parts of the show, but Tiernan didnt seem in control of the performance, and the jokes and/or routines seemed half baked. A few times throughout the show I got the feeling that he knew the Material wasn't working and he merely moved on, abandoning a piece and starting a new one.

I didnt manage to get along to see "Bovinity" at Christmas, But I hope he had gotten his act together by then. This show just seemed ill conceived, unpolished or just plain Lazy. Put TT on and they will come! And they did, but for how long?? If Tiernan had any artistic temperament, then he would never have let this show out on disc. He would have cut his losses, and taken the financial hit. I just hope he wasnt begginning to feel a downward spiral and was making hay while the sun shined. Maybe his almost constant shouting throughout this show, was born out of frustration with a failing talent...

But I suspect that he was just being sloppy, or Lazy. And he said to hell with them, they'll buy it.
I hope I am right and that Irelands favourite comedian comes back, and shrugs off this set back. I hope Bovinity was better. I hope people give him another chance.

Easily annoyed...

One thing, that can really get on my nerve, especially early in the morning, is the bus lane indicator..
These are people who drive in bus lanes with their indicator on, even though the next turn isnt for another kilometer. Its as if to say look at me, I'm in the buslane, but I'm turning off so I'm not really breaking the law.
Here's my point. I dont give a She-ite where you drive as long as you keep out of my way, and if you do meet a guard you will get a ticket, notwithstanding your little blinking light...

So go in the buslane if need be, but leave the blinkers off,

Thanks

Sam C

Monday Night Comedy, They CAll it.

It all started with Jake Stevens at 9.30.

Sorry PJ but this is the biggest pile of shite that has called itself comedy in a long while. End of Story. Its been done, and its been done better. When you copy, you should emulate.. I cannot believe people paid you for these tapes. I hope it gets better, but Ill never know, cause Iv seen enough...

Then came the Panel. Oh Jesus the Panel, all that kept me watching was the blonde Beauty, whose name and opinions escape me, for some reason... When they sit down to copy successful TV formulae from the BBC (most notably 'Have I got news For You') They should Realise that the participants on that show, had Style, Grace, Timing and most importantly of all,......
Script Writers.

One of the Chaps this evening got horribly caught out trying to adlib something about chimpanzees and a Giraffe. It was embarassing, and I'd like to point out he was a goodish performer..

The joke of the night went to the gruesomely bespectacled Ed Byrne. They were talking about people ending up looking like their pets, and he said he had a pet Johnny Depp...

Then from somewhere on stage right, appeared 'The Roaring Twenties'.
Had Been looking forward to this all day, and guess what? Its a pile of shite.
One or two of the characters looked promising, most notably the dole bludger writer/director, but it was just a pile of very annoyingly, over-narrated shite.

And there endeth Monday night Comedy for me.

SAm

Glen Hansard can go to hell

So we now have the king of the crusty student types, coming out to complain that the new Irish are a shower of shallow, vulgar swine.

and That the assholes you see around Dublin now-adays that have too much money, are a symptom of some moral problems in this country.

That he is embarrassed by the way we are aping the behaviour of our friends in The US. Well since people have been making lots of money for a long time aping their music, how could he expect us not to try copying their other behaviours.

Sounds like someone who doesnt like others getting on the money bandwagon, that he has been on for 15 years..

Money doesnt create assholes, assholes are born, and lots of them tend to surround themselves with the monied, even if they have none themselves. Hence the illusion that money creates assholes - When in fact It attracts them!

But of Course if you make a living whinging and whining haunting and lamenting tunes, you dont want your homeland run wild with crazied-up consumer junkies, high on a visa buzz and driving shiny cars...

Keep Em in their boxes Glen!


SAm Crea

The New Year Again

So now we have another new year. But for how long? When does a new year cease to be so and become the year, or the current year.

Christmas is over thank god.

Time for more resolutions.

No Beer.

No Fags.

More exercise.

Eat better.

But it only has to last for the new year.

Ha.