Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Barman has spoken.

I love to read Manuel's blog about being a waiter,

Manuel's Blog

as I work in a similar position myself, namely as a barman.. I have always threatened to write a bit about it, so here are my top ten points, as to how you can be a better bar customer...

1. Don't wave, click your fingers, say excuse me etc. etc. Wait your turn and you'll be served.
2. Coffee is served in coffee shops, restaurants and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
3. Never approach a Barman with a food menu in your hand, as he is sure to find something else to do in the opposite direction.
4. If your pint is bad, tell me; If the Band are shit, tell them!
5. NO! We cant show the 'Big Brother'/'Britain's Got Talent' finals.
Tvs are for sports and News.
6. The Barman doesn't actually want to hear about your day, but he'll listen, for a limited time, don't outstay your welcome.
7.The barman doesn't give a flying-fiddlers-fuck how much 2 bottles of bud and 2 Bacardi Breezers cost on whatever flea-pit Spanish island from which you just returned.
8. If the Barman says you have enough, forget about it! Any amount of convincing about how you are grand, and that your only after coming out will be utterly futile. No Barman has ever gone back on a decision to refuse. Ever!
9. Don't ever tell a barman to cheer up, smile, look like he is enjoying himself! He will think you are an utter prick and ignore you later when it's busy and are trying to order your Corona with Lime.
10. The Barman knows that Corona comes with a slice of lime in the neck, and that pint bottles of Bulmers come with a pint of ice, so don't over-elaborate your order, we know, it's been ordered before.

If this list (just off the top of my head) makes me seem like an odious prick, then it has been more accurate than I thought. If it doesn't then I need to work on it. I may do a new list some other time after more thought.


Twenty Major said...

City centre?

Xbox4NappyRash said...

city centre without a feckin doubt...!

miserable git...can I whistle to get your attention?

Manuel said... 2 especially....

samcrea said...

A comment from The Major, I have arrived..

Have worked all over town, and city centre, but am currently outside of the city centre, but not too far.. thats all I'll say..

Manuel, I'll send them up to you from now on for lattes..

Xbox, you can whistle for it all right...

Purile Pish said...

"Click of Fingers"

1) Don't throw my fucking change on the bar top, hand it to me like I handed it to you. If it lands in spillage expect me to rub your fuckling face in it
2) Don't fucking ignore me because I don't have a pair of tits
3) Don't assume I want ice in my drink you cuntpiece because if I wanted to fucking fish ice out of liquid I'd have been born an Eskimo
4) Fill the glass with beer, not fucking froth
5) Do NOT clear my glass from the table/bar when I have gone to take a fucking piss
6) If I have the courtesy to say please and thank you please feel free to return the favour, not grunt at me.

Puerile Pish said...

And sort your timestamp out

sheepworrier said...

Heh @ purile.

Maxi Cane said...

Do not order drinks outside of proper surroundings:

Guinness in the local is perfect, not in the giant queue at the night club, you fuckwit.


The latest prepackaged shots and cocktails with "hilarious" names should not be ordered in the local. Fuck. Right. Off.

samcrea said...

PP, Grow some tits, you'll find you have a better Pub Experience..

samcrea said...

And I live in SAn Francisco, you fucker!

samcrea said...

OK. I moved home now..

Michelle said...

Do not come up to order a round of ten drinks and insist on ordering them one by one as I run around fetching them for you. I am not mentally sub-normal - if you can remember all ten, I can remember all ten.

And if you finish off your order with "...and a pint of Guinness", I WILL glass you in the face.

Like this. said...

1. Don't hand over a note and say loudly "that's a £20". Really, is it?

2. What age are you? Thirty? Well in your thirty years on this planet, have you ever heard of a person called HERE-YO-OI? No? Then why are you shouting it at me?

3. Don't tell me your mate is fine. He's sleeping on the bar and has pissed himself. Yes, I know you will take care of him, but just outside.

4. Do not reach over the bar to top up your Guinness/throw something in the bin/take a handful of ice.

5. Do not tell me this person is next once you've got your drinks.

6. I do not need to take your extra £10 to make sure you're served all night before everyone else. I am not a waiter.

7. If you order a drink, receive your drink, pay for your drink, it's fuck all to do with me anymore. As a 6 year old, when I dropped my 10p into the ice lolly freezer, while trying to decide between a Fat Frog and a Polly Pineapple, did my mum replace it? Did she fuck. I got a belt around the head and told to hold on to it with both hands next time.

samcrea said...

@ Like this!

my personal favourite, when the mood is a bit low, and some young dandy informs you that the good looking bird next to him is to be served next. Fine, I say, and serve her, and then everyone else as far as the eye can see, and back again, and then, the dandy. You want to wait...

Like this said...

My favourite from tonight.
Me-"sorry the bar is closed"
Him-"aw just one more, please"
Me-"no sorry man, it's after 1"
Him-"here how about I get a drink and you can keep the change from a tenner"
Me-"Do I look like I need your bribe money?I've plenty of my own"
Him-"well it was worth a try"
Me-"Worth a try?! Do I walk into your work and presume your integrity is for sale? Stop being a fuckin *dick*"
Him- "sorry"
Me- "apology accepted"
Him- "cool. Now can I have a drink?"

samcrea said...

Are ye open fer shorts?....

Thats my favourite..

samcrea said...

...Yeah we are just serving midgets from here on...

morgor said...

I've done plenty of work behind the bar and spent a lot of time in front of it too.

Working behind the bar :

Did you ever get someone saying "Do you know who I am?"?
The only answers are yes and i don't give a fuck or no and i don't give a fuck.

PP covers all of the things in front of the bar though ;)

Manuel said...

@like this......cheeky git.....

samcrea said...

"I'm very sorry sir, I cant help you with that"

Is the only answer I would give to a
"Do you know who I am?"

But havent heard it since my Hotel Days. Those types of nobs tend to drink in hotels and Pubs with "Celebrities"

Manuel, we are all for sale, But the late drink bribe never works!!