Friday, March 26, 2010

Bring on the fear

You wake up suddenly and without warning. There has been no nice warm-up dreams about drinking bottles of gin that taste like chocolate milkshake or swimming comfortably and very warmly in a large pool of icy cool 7up.

The dreams of a normal hangover.

You are just awake.

The natural side effects of alcohol excess are evident. A feeling of your brain being shrinked violently inside your head, the burning in your chest from one after the other cigarettes. Dryness in your throat. Sometimes shaking. But always the fear. An immediate, illogical feeling of dread. It's like your brain knows something you don't, something terrible. A feeling like you are in great danger, or have done something awful. The fear. You immediately begin to counsel yourself, convince yourself there is no need for this fear. You begin to call up memories from the previous night and nothing bad springs to mind, yet still the feelings persist.

What is this sheer anxietey? Will anything cure it? More booze? Probably, but it's not an option as you have to function today, and you're not sure your body can ingest any substances at the moment. You just want to gag.

You tell yourself, it's the fear. It will pass. You try to convince yourself that you have no need for anxiety. But still it persists. You know there is no cure, you will just have to ride it out.

You are warm in your bed, and you curl up tighter in the sheets and flip your pillow over to the cold side and fight to sleep...

When it comes it is soothing. Each time you wake the fear is weakened. When you do get up and do what you have to do, this fear will come with you flashing in and out slowly.

Eventually it passes. You don't always get answers, sometimes there are no answers...
sometimes it just decides to stalk you...

Its all of course a trick. A trick by your body. It wants the booze again. It wants the warm and safe feeling again... so it tries to frighten you, with the fear..
tries to get you back there again...

And it usually works.

I have not had a drink for six weeks. (As a devout Catholic)

The fear at some stage over Easter weekend will be staggering...

I'm looking forward to it...

Might go to Limerick and do it on Good Friday...

Catch a Rubber bandits gig..

wooha..

Cant wait

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

and when you get the fear really bad you can convince yourself that you will never ever again get the fear, but of course you do. is this blog only for alcoholics?

Anonymous said...

"As a devout Catholic"

You really are such a fucking cunt.

samcrea said...

"As a devout Catholic"

You really are such a fucking cunt.



..did you read all the post?
(not that your wrong)

Christy said...

Ah I was wondering about this when Twenty mentioned it. Vivid description but I reckon I've only been close but no cigar.

Anonymous said...

As a devout septic I myself find the fear of a common wake up call to the fact that I am not following a path of social acceptance. Well tagged.
Hannett